In my opinion, the longer we live, the number of memories and life experiences we’ve had, and are still having, create a mental avalanche, sometimes too overwhelming to accept. As everyone reading this is more than aware, those memories and life experiences certainly create a potpourri of happiness and sadness. For yours truly to try to identify what makes us happy, aside from the obvious, would require more descriptions than space herein will allow, but I'll do my best and hopefully elicit a happy smile from you, dear reader.  

One thing that makes me happy is visiting the oncology doctors at the VA. What? I'm not only happy when they tell me I'm doing well, but also when they start feeling for lumps in my armpits. I'm ticklish under my right arm and giggle. The doctors at the VA  are kind enough to accept it and start laughing, too, thus when they're checking for those lumps, they just kindly accept the fact that "The Giggler" is there and are more gentle performing the examination.

What makes us happy if we're parents, grandparents or great-grandparents is seeing the joy on the faces of the littlest ones when they receive presents for their birthdays, during holidays or just surprise presents given for no more reason than the fact they're loved and they know it. Our youngest of nine great-grandchildren, named Mercy Grace (aged one), has irresistible cheeks. Great-grandpa here can't resist gently "chucking" them. It's been the case for each kid, grand-kid (we have four) and the nine great-grandchildren since 1961! Just a simple description of something that brings perpetual smiles to yours truly. Without presumption here, I'm certain if you have children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, you can easily identify with the happiness I've described.

Obviously, if certain entertainment makes us happy, the producers of the entertainment have succeeded. Cherished friendships, of course, should contribute daily to our happiness. Those living in Ebenezer Communities are blessed to have the wonderful opportunity to develop new friendships at advanced ages, amplifying the happiness factor.
On the other side of the spectrum, depression sometimes rears its ugly head and we need to conquer it as intelligently and rapidly as possible. I experienced that not-so-pleasant feeling more than once. While I've not found a "magic wand" to eliminate the depression, I know that every time I've felt depressed I've been blessed to be able to snap out of it more rapidly every time. Counting our blessings is one way to realize we're always on the plus side of life. It's not easy to do, but it is do-able. Also, not being timid about letting friends know through what you may be going in regard to "the blues", is very helpful, to say the least.  
We're not alone on this journey. Ebenezer's offers many resources and support groups regarding this subject are available. Thank you for reading, as always. (Be happy!)

 
 

LOVE the process of aging and those around you. 
Valentine’s Day is approaching. What better reason than to also approach the subject of love. I think Saint Valentine would be humbly flattered that his mantra has flourished into the 21st century. I think he would also be delighted to know love, in its many forms, is actually considered the ultimate emotion for which we strive to both receive and convey. Loving the fact we of senior ages should love the process of aging and love those of similar ages around us should be, in my opinion, one of the major goals to achieve as we advance annually.
There are so many "pluses" to aging, again in my opinion. Some of them include the fact we've lived enough years to amass a multitude of wisdom about how life's twists and turns have made us into stronger people, enabling us to better cope with those twists and turns because we've probably been through those times more times than we can count. "Been there, done that" is the colloquialism that enters my mind in that regard.
Wisdom from others also helps guide us in the proper emotional and mental direction when adding up how wonderful it is to have reached the senior years of our lives. Some motivational wisdom has been uttered by many we respect and admire, as follows:

• "It's never too late to be who you might have been" - Female authoress George Eliot
• "I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is only a temporary situation." - Mike Todd (Elizabeth Taylor's favorite husband, who perished in a New Mexico plane crash and a Minneapolis native.)
• "We must be willing to let got of the life we have planned, so as to live the life that is waiting for us." - Novelist E.M. Forster
• "I never got a good job I didn't create for myself." - Actress Ruth Gordon
• "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein
• "The only things worth learning are the things you learn after you know it all." - President Harry Truman
• "You must live the life you were born to live." - Fictional Mother Superior's admonition to Maria Von Trapp in "The Sound of Music". Profound, though a quote from fiction.
• "Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts." - Sir Winston Churchill
• "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
• "The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing." - Samuel French
• "You never stop paying your dues." - Actor/sincere Joel Grey to me during a television interview
• "Life is being to take the bitter with the better." - J. Allen Jensen, broadcast executive
• "Follow every rainbow, 'til you find your dream" - Partial lyrics from The Sound of Music song, Climb Every Mountain

In  my opinion, every one of these has a positive message, attuned to all the thinking and doing we've amassed during our blessed longer lives. Loving the process of aging and loving it for our contemporaries are thoughts that should keep us going productively and happily for the remainder of our life-loving lives. Again, Saint Valentine would be proud.
Thank you for reading and Happy Valentine's Day.

“Food, glorious food!" Unabashedly quoting that line from both the play and feature film OLIVER!, I confess it evokes and parallels the fact I'm a "foodie", "chow-hound" or any other appellation one might choose to apply to a person who is into what keeps us alive, along with water, of course. Also, of course, the foods we choose to eat, especially at advanced ages, most likely are much different, and probably more healthful, than those we chose to ingest in younger years. I know that's the case for yours truly. 

Until about age 30, my reputation for being the human equivalent of a goat or human garbage can, was rampant and well-deserved. I ate almost everything in sight and, truthfully, the more I ate, the thinner I became! It's true. My metabolism was reacting to my non-stop energy, both physical and mental. I have a feeling you may be among those who also experienced that enviable trait to be able to eat and drink almost everything in sight, in mass quantities and never gain weight. That's when my waist-size remained at between 26 and 28.

Today and for the past at least ten years, my waist size, at age 81, has increased to between 42 and 44, depending upon how successfully I can breathe in while fastening the top fastener on my trousers. I've saved some size 26 and 28-sized pants to only look at them wistfully and nostalgically. Unless there's some sort of metamorphosis, I think I won't be able to wear them again. Just seeing them, however, provides a modicum of some incentive to reach that probably impossible goal. 

In my opinion, the title of this blog, HEALTHY EATING IN THE NEW YEAR, should be among those sensible goals and mantras we should wish to achieve every new year. In my opinion, it's definitely do-able, simply using the common sense we all have, or should have. I think, for yours truly, at least, cravings are part of a non-healthful diet. Obviously, we all need an occasional "treat," but "occasional" should be the guiding word.

We can train and wean ourselves to avoid excess intakes of soft drinks, candy, fatty foods, desserts with high sugar content and so forth. It isn't easy, but once that discipline is achieved, even most of the time, the chances of adding longevity to our years is obviously one of the benefits to adding discipline to our eating habits. 

At every Ebenezer community, our culinary team works together to ensure our residents enjoy their dining experiences. Our skilled teams prepare nutritious and delicious meals that please the palate as well as the eye. Freshly prepared and locally sourced (whenever possible), produce and high quality meats and seafood are at the heart of our dining experiences. We offer a variety of options for each meal all of which are flavorful and are prepared with no added salt, utilizing heart healthy techniques.
​
VERY happily, Ebenezer is currently inviting you to enjoy a healthful complimentary lunch and tour as a guest at an Ebenezer Assisted Living community close to you, or an Ebenezer Assisted Living location where you’d be interested to move. It's Ebenezer's "treat" to hopefully provide some incentive for you to think about eating and drinking in a more health-conscious fashion. Of course, if you already do eat healthfully, please enjoy the gratis Ebenezer lunch and tour anyway and congratulations for achieving that much-sought-after goal! Thank you for reading! 

How Ebenezer can help with socialization, support groups and activities
 
For yours truly, just seeing the word isolation initially conjures thoughts of despair, loneliness and hopelessness. Hopefully, those thoughts are, with further examination and deliberation, extreme and need not exemplify a total picture of isolation, but rather just emotional snapshots. 
 
From time immemorial, people have been and still are social creatures. That's why we call the culture in which live, society. Regardless of the protestations of those who have even chosen to be hermits, living in self-imposed isolation, every human being cannot consistently or comfortably sustain life or healthy thought processes without at least some interaction with another human being. We have an innate need to communicate with one another, regardless of what thoughts or needs are shared. Thus, when the subject of isolation arises, there are multiple visions that also arise, but none, in my opinion, that require the most desperate or debilitating thinking or conclusions.
 
Without presumption here, I assume all human beings, at one time or another, have experienced a form of loneliness that propels minds to think in extreme terms that parallel isolation, leading to almost terrified thinking. The isolation, in most instances, is identified with being alone, feeling there's no one with whom one can express oft-times self-induced desperate thought processes and definitely thinking expressing those feelings will fall on deaf, or even mocking, ears. My comments are based on personal experience, as well as experiences of those I know whom no one would ever think experienced isolation or isolationist thinking. Negative thoughts are almost always self-made, fearing if they're shared with others, no one will really care, understand nor want to offer solace or help. In regard to Ebenezer, caring and help are parts of a permanent mantra dedicated to helping create better lives and more positive thinking for those who feel alone or isolated. 
 
Those blessed to have any connection with Ebenezer and/or its multiple services should know the help Ebenezer can provide to alleviate feelings of isolation and helplessness is available 24/7/365. Professional Ebenezer personnel are aware that people of any age experience extreme thoughts of loneliness. Again, thanks to part of Ebenezer's mission to provide the best possible senior housing and social experiences connected thereto, Ebenezer’s trained professionals can speak with any Ebenezer resident, or even potential resident, about why and how socialization is so necessary to enjoy a well-rounded life. That socialization includes interaction with support groups and uplifting activities. 
 
Without social interaction, isolation can indeed create much less of a life than we deserve, again of our own making. If you or others you know need to do so, please explore and avail yourself (or selves) of Ebenezer's genuine caring and proven solutions.
 
Thank you for reading Barry's Blog and please, if it applies to you, move from isolation to socialization, soon!

In my opinion (and the opinion of many), asking for help is one of life's most uncomfortable challenges. To some, including myself at more than one time in my life, asking for help paralleled the words failure, weakness or the inability to privately cope with difficult times, be they personal, professional, financial or any combination thereof, including transitional.
 
When a person lives a significant number of years (I'm 81), inner strength to overcome challenging times of transition from one life chapter to another has one riding an emotional roller coaster. Some of the ups and downs are almost too overwhelming with which to cope, but coping and overcoming any trepidation is within the power of each of us. I know that to be true and, possibly, maybe even probably, so do you. If not, there are people within the Ebenezer "family" with special skills who are available to help bring you to that wonderful emotional and mental epiphany and addressed more directly at the conclusion of this blog. I'll also illustrate some real life examples farther down this tome. First, however, in regard to financial stress, Minneapolis's own Mike Todd (nee Avrom Goldbogen, and Elizabeth Taylor's favorite husband) once stated, "I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is only a temporary situation." Mr. Todd's whimsy can be uplifting, for almost no situation is beyond being happily resolved. Humbly stated, I'm a living example of that truth.
 
Another living example of helping make the transition from one stage of life to another is the example of working all one's life in one profession, then transitioning to "retirement". One of my very close relatives retired last February after 52 years working in the same profession. Retirement for her was tantamount to a bullet-train coming to an abrupt stop and not continuing down any tracks. She was unaware that the routines with which she had lived for over a half-century had also come to an abrupt stop. After one month of "retirement," she decided to work at least part-time in a totally different arena, but one with which she had considerable expertise as a customer. Now, following a few months of "getting used to it," she's very happy in her transitional life. 
 
In regard to my own transitions, they've been many. Very few have been easy, but most have led to positive outcomes I hadn't expected nor predicted. One of my favorite sayings in regard to our lives emanated from author George Eliot, (Mary Ann Evans) to wit: "It's never too late to be who you might have been." That saying has been an inspiration to me more than once, almost a mantra. Perhaps it resonates with you, too. 
 
One special path to coping with the world of transitions is being provided by Ebenezer's outreach specialists at all Ebenezer facilities, with numerous optional resources to help those in need navigate to the smoothest possible transitions to life's next stages, compassionately and intelligently. A form guiding you or anyone you know who may wish to explore Ebenezer's assistance in regard to life transitions follows this closing paragraph. Thank you for reading!
 

Belated Happy New Year. I hope it's the best ever for you and yours.
 
I love traditions, especially those that are "positives." Making New Year resolutions is one of my personal favorites, because, in my opinion, those resolutions annually keep attempting to glue us together, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. For some of us the resolutions dissolve within a few days, unfortunately, but written with a respectful smile here.
 
The dissolution of those well-intended resolutions is also part of the realization of our humanity and mortality. Traditions similar to New Year resolutions bring smiles, providing us with thoughts and actions onto which to "latch" as members of a civilized culture, as well as hope and a sense of stability we often need to get us through each day with as little angst possible.
 
Obviously, there are many pluses and minuses to resolutions and realization. The pluses are mostly on the resolution side of the ledger. Some include the usual annual pedestrian (but valid and important) "suspects,"  i.e., resolving to losing weight (for some, that's not a problem); developing or maintaining a nicer attitude toward everyone (not just a few); being more nutritionally aware and activating that awareness on a permanent basis; being perpetually thankful for all the blessings we often forget we have; having sustained respect for other peoples beliefs without abandoning our own and so many more not herein addressed. 
 
The realization side of the ledger presents the reality many of us face daily and increasingly as the years slip by, to wit: Even though many of us still "think young," the realization of our inabilities to be as physically active as in earlier years sometimes comes as an unexpected shock. On a personal note, because of surgeries, I can no longer safely participate in two of my favorite sports, Alpine skiing and tennis. The former afforded me the privilege to travel to and work in numerous locations producing ski films for television. The locations included Iran (twice, during the Shah's reign), Chile, France, Italy, Switzerland and Quebec. Some of the realities we face during the aging process are the fact memories can sometimes be our most treasured realizations.  
 
Because reminiscences of other New Year’s Eves would be germane at this time, two of my fondest memories occurred December 31, 1952 and December 31, 1953. Those were New Year's Eves one of my New York City high school pals (Charlie Brill) and I decided to learn what it was like to visit Times Square during that annual iconic event. To the point, suffice it so say, as two who were in the very middle of that crowd, if you wanted to fall down, you couldn't. We were packed like sardines, almost crushed, truthfully, but decided to have the same experience two New Year's Eves in a row. Realization: I could never do it again, at any age.
 
In my opinion, even though time marches on and our resolutions are important, the realization of achieving an advanced age is a daily blessing. Losing my younger daughter to ovarian cancer in 2017 at her young age 54 is a daily reminder for yours truly to cherish every living day. For whatever aches, pains and challenges arrive with "old age", age is just a number and, as the old adage reminds us, we're only as old as we feel or act. Just ask my wife. She will tell you I'm 81, going on four. Maybe it's actually three. 
 
Thank you for reading and Happy New Year, once again.
Best,
​Barry ZeVan

In grad school about a decade ago, I ran across an article that provides guidance, inspiration and reassurance for exhausted dementia care partners. Is there anyone out there caring for a person with dementia who is NOT exhausted at this time of year? If so, please send me YOUR insights to share in a future blog!

Wayne Ewing’s article, “Land of Forgetfulness: Dementia Care as Spiritual Formation,” recounts his journey as caregiver for his wife who was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s disease at age 55. Wayne quickly realized that his skills as a clergyman and educator, while relevant, were not the entire package of what he needed in order to cope with the change in his “Beloved,” as he calls her, and to navigate the transformed waters of their relationship.  

Wayne considered the wide range of needs that both he and his Beloved now had to contend with. He figured them out one by one and in time, Wayne discovered that he could meet his Beloved in the present moment. As they walked together in a pine forest near their home, he marveled at and shared in the delight and awe she expressed at the beauty around them.    

This led Wayne to begin to ruminate on the Alzheimer’s Association’s Ten Warning Signs of Alzheimer’s disease. Using an impressive knowledge of many religious traditions and spiritual scribes, he imagined how all those (scary and depressing sounding) warning signs might be looked at in a new light, the light of spiritual formation.  He handily spun that list into Ten Steps in Spiritual Formation, pointing out the following:  

• Memory Loss…St. John of the Cross described “the sum of all perfection” as “the oblivion of the world.” How many people on earth use meditation or other practices precisely to clear the mind of details that keep us away from enjoying the here and now?)
• Problems with Language…Mother Teresa said, and religious mystics have agreed, that “God is the friend of silence.”
• Disorientation of time and place…Meister Eckhart wrote that “the soul who knows God knows God above time and place.”
• Poor or decreased judgment…All religions counsel us to abandon judgment.  For example, the Bible tells us to “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged” (Matt. 7:1).
• Problems with abstract thinking and problem solving…In many spiritual traditions, this is viewed as a stepping stone towards an increased ability to dissolve ones thoughts and create calm. 
• Misplacing Things…can be seen as a sign of losing attachment to material possessions… (I plan on reminding myself of this one the next time I misplace my phone!)
• Changes in mood or behavior…Nicolas of Cusa notes that these changes are required in order to gain spiritual wisdom.
• Changes in personality…Nicolas of Cusa also maintains that personality changes are to be expected if one is to grow spiritually.
• Loss of initiative…Meister Eckhart’s advice was to be passive in order to allow the holy to be active within us. 

Wayne’s thinking reminds me of what I have learned about a common Native American view of persons with dementia:  that they are actually in communication with the spirit world at a level that none of the rest of us can understand. This way of looking at dementia intrigues me. It supports my certainty that even though a person with dementia may be quiet, important spiritual work of some kind is going on, deep inside.

I thought I would wrap up the blog right there.  But no.  Here goes.

My beloved husband died of cancer over 5 years ago. He was on hospice for a little over two months, and bedridden for just a week and half. Phil was an extremely smart, hyper-witty, charming, snarkily funny guy. He had been an actor since he was 6 years old. He could be very loud on occasion.  It was amazing to see Phil become so quiet in his last weeks.  While it didn’t occur to me at the time to use the term “dementia” for anything that was going on with him, it was several  years later that I suddenly realized that he actually was exhibiting dementia symptoms in his last 10 days: trouble with language and motor skills, disorientation, nonsensical speech, lack of initiative.  For a time, our verbal communication consisted of him whispering the last few words of whatever I had just said to him back to me. But one day, he departed from that pattern. When I said, “I love you,” he replied, “I love you too.”  How one little word can mean the world!   That was the last thing he said to me, or anyone.  I had assumed I’d be playing all sorts of his favorite music as the end drew near, but instead, it felt to me like he was very busy inside (and things were probably noisy enough). It seemed that the spiritual journey he was on required his entire focus and attention.  I think (and hope) that was the right call.

Wishing you and whomever you care for a calm and bright new year!
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-- Marysue Moses, Ebenezer Dimensions Program Coordinator, mmoses1@fairview.org
Wayne Ewing’s article, Land of Forgetfulness: Dementia Care as Spiritual Formation” is published in Religion, Spirituality, and Aging: A Social Work Perspective, by Harry R. Moody, The Haworth Social Work Practice Pres, 2005.
Thanks also to Megan Carnarius for information on the Native American view of dementia, and to Mirjam Berger and David Cobb for insights related to Wayne Ewing’s article. 

According the CDC, one in three adults age 65 and older falls. In fact, falls are responsible for the most injuries and fatalities among seniors. And unfortunately, a fall can mean the end of independence . . . or worse; more than 25,000 people die each year from falls.
The good news is that falls are not a normal part of aging, and can be prevented! Since the place you are most likely to fall is in your own home, here are some simple steps to keep you safe

1. Be aware of your surroundings. Remove all clutter from your pathways—including throw rugs and electrical cords. Arrange furniture so you always have a clear walking path.
2. Install sturdy handrails on your stairs. In the bathroom, install grab bars in the shower or tub, or use a shower seat with a hand-held shower head.
3. Rearrange the contents of your cupboards to be within easy reach—knees to shoulder. NEVER stand on a chair to reach something high.
4. Keep it bright. Use night lights in your bedroom and be sure to turn on the lights if you get up at night.
5. Take your time. Don’t rush to answer the phone or door, walk carefully.  If you feel dizzy, stand up slowly. It’s also a good idea to sit on the edge of the bed before standing up when you first wake up.
6. Wear well-fitted non slip shoes with low heels and good support. Don’t walk in your socks. Make sure laces are always tied and short enough to prevent tripping
7. Have your doctor or pharmacist review all medication you are taking—even over the counter drugs, vitamins and supplements. Some medications have side effects that can lead to a fall. Always keep a list of your current medications.
8. Don’t lift or carry anything that’s too heavy. When unloading your car, or putting away washing make several trips with small loads.
9. Ask your doctor or therapist for safe exercises that build strength and improve balance.
10. Take care of your feet! Trim toenails and check feet every day for sores, bunions, calluses, warts and numbness. If your feet hurt, you will be less active—which could increase your risk for falls.

 
If you do fall, see your doctor right away, even if you are not hurt, you should find out why you fell to keep it from happening again!

For more information about preventing falls, please click here http://www.fvfiles.com/520270.pdf to see a comprehensive checklist about preventing falls, visit ​https://www.fairview.org/overarching-care/home-care-and-hospice/fall-prevention, or call 612-721-2491 for more information.

Writing on this day before Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, I am thinking about all the people I’ve known, loved, worked with, learned from and admired who have lived or are living with dementia.

Mary Ellen is top of mind today. She was supremely intelligent, stunningly beautiful, elegant,  well-travelled, and maintained a wild sense of humor.  As her dementia progressed, she exercised her love of rhyming more and more.  She was famous for enthusiastically blurting out, at random, “If you get to heaven before I do, just drill a hole and pull me through!”  One day as I was sitting with a small group of residents, Mary Ellen was clearly in her rhyming mood.  So I challenged her to make up a rhyme for everyone in the group.  She did not hesitate:  “Marysue, how do you do, Millie, you are silly, Dottie Dottie two by four, can’t get through the bathroom door”.  (Fortunately, Dottie was hard of hearing.)  ”Peg has a funny leg, Bernice fell in the grease, Mary Ellen is swellin’!”  
I think about Jean, who knew lots and lots of Shakespeare.  Well, she was British, so of course she did!  She spoke it simply and beautifully, better than some actors I’ve heard at the Guthrie, I swear!  When she was on hospice and just a few days away from her departure from this life, I whispered some Shakespeare into her ear.

I think about Betty, the Amazing Betty, who had been a pole vaulter in high school and college.   She used a walker now, but loved being reminded of her former skill.  She drank green tea way before it was popular.  Betty had travelled all over the world, by herself.  You could not name a country she was not absolutely sure she had been to, although a few of them she was only “pretty sure” about.

And another Betty was a wonderful pianist who could sit down at a piano and play like a virtuoso, though she might not be able to tell you who the composer of the piece was.  
And another Betty knew a ton of songs from musicals; we had a lot of fun singing them together…“Getting to know you, getting to know all about you!”  When Betty sang, it was with great joy.    

Another Betty had been an artist, quite a painter.  She also knew how to fly a plane.  She was deep, this Betty.  I remember the day she was scheduled to move out to another place.  Her needs had grown beyond what could be provided where I was working at the time.  She was not yet aware that she was to leave us that day, but for some reason she came to my office in the early morning, stood in the doorway looking right at me and said, “Have a nice life.” 

I think of Millie who danced up a storm. She and her husband had gone to ballrooms every weekend, for years and years.  Millie was in great shape from all that dancing!
I think of Eunice…fragile, vulnerable, always wearing a fashionable hat Eunice, always looking for her mother, always needing to find her.  Eunice had cared for her mother, who had lived with Alzheimer’s disease.  Eunice was not alert to the fact that she was now in the same boat.   Eunice had been an avid golfer and even had a photo of herself and Arnold Palmer together!  She was very proud of that!  And she was the most competitive Balloon Volleyball player I’d ever seen.  

I think of my mom, of course.  I see her soft brown eyes and feel the way she tilted her head and looked at me that one time I came to visit.  It was pretty late in her journey with dementia, I hadn’t seen her for a number of months and I had wondered if she would recognize me.  I could tell she maybe didn’t know my name but the love that radiated through those eyes just about knocked me over.  She wasn’t speaking much, if at all, by then, although I heard that one time she came out with an excited exclamation of “Bacon!” when she recognized the smell on her way to the dining room. 
I could go on and on, listing the strengths and passions and quirks of so many people I’ve known who have touched me deeply, who have cemented my desire to keep connecting with people with dementia and to keep working to make their lives easier and more fulfilling.   

I have a friend and colleague who had a stroke a couple years ago.  Yes, he has some struggles with word-finding, organization, and short-term memory.  His whimsical sense of humor and his personality are delightfully present.
I am grateful for all these people mentioned here, and for many whom I have not mentioned, including people I’ve seen present at conferences who defy the stereotype we all too often latch onto when we hear that someone has “dementia.” Many folks are successfully living with early stage dementia and working hard to erase the stigma that surrounds that word.  
​
I am grateful for the strengths and skills that people with dementia retain.  I am grateful that people with dementia continue to be themselves.  Yes, the packaging looks different, and there are adjustments of expectations to be made on our part, not to mention theirs, but the spirit that drives people with dementia is unmistakably intact, if only one can learn how to connect with it.  If only we do not give up on them!   
 
-- Marysue Moses, Dimensions Program Coordinator 

Integrity. That word has a lot do with truth and honesty, things that can get a bit murky in dementia care, as we work to validate feelings and honor the way a person with dementia views the world.  At our recent Mission Breakfast event at Ebenezer, I was asked to prepare a story that related to Integrity, one of our five core Ebenezer values. To tell the truth (ahem), I wasn’t quite sure (at first) that I could spin the story I really wanted to tell (yes, I chose the story before being assigned the value) into being the perfect fit for the value of Integrity, but I believe I’ve come around!
 
Integrity in dementia care has lot to do with honoring and celebrating who each person is, at their core, connecting with their passions, skills, accomplishments and dreams.  
 
At one of our sites there was a resident named June. She was British, and I learned she had had a career as an opera singer. I was so excited to meet her and so hoping I could get her interested in the arts project I was involved in at her site -- using Shakespeare, Poetry and Music to engage residents and stimulate their memories around the theme of love.  I visited with June one day in her room.  She told me about her singing career, about touring overseas, performing in Prague and many other capitals of Europe, even singing with Pavarotti, I think. Lying down in her bed as we chatted, June was most cheerful, hospitable and animated.  Clearly she loved reminiscing about her career.  She told me she had also performed onstage in many musicals.  I asked her what parts she had played.  In her Northern British accent, she proudly replied:  “I played Laurie in Oklahoma!  But y ’know,” she continued, “My voice isn’t what it used to be, and I really don’t sing much anymore.”
 
I could hardly wait to see if we could get June out to attend the sessions that were part of our 6-month long project. She didn’t make it to the first couple, but the third one was all about music, and she was feeling well enough to come along.  Bright-eyed and very engaged throughout the session, June was often the first person to give a response when Jeanie Brindley-Barnett of MacPhail Music Center asked the group a question. Near the end, Jeanie played the song “People will Say we’re in Love”, the famous love duet from Oklahoma. Then, Jeanie very casually invited June to sing it. 
 
June did not hesitate.  Her voice was creaky and warbling at first, but she put her heart into it and when she hit those high notes near the end of the song; her voice simply soared across the room, pure and free. Everyone in the room had an experience of the singer she once had been. Memory care residents and staff applauded heartily when the song was done. I looked over at Jeanie and saw that she, like me, had tears sliding down her face. I remember thinking in that moment that our project was already a complete success as far as I was concerned, based solely on what had just happened, because one resident had that opportunity to share her talent in front of a group again.
 
Unfortunately, June did not attend our other sessions.  She came to just one, wasn’t feeling well, and had to leave almost immediately. Her health was deteriorating. In fact, she died before the project was completed.
 
A month or so after she passed away, I arranged to meet with June’s daughter.  I was curious to hear more about June’s career, and thought there might be some recordings or programs in existence that might come in handy for the documentary film we were making about our project. (The day that June sang was not a day we had the film crew on site!) Her daughter let me know that June’s memory, once she got dementia, had actually….expanded…the extent of her career.  In fact, June had never toured the capitals of Europe. She had not sung with Pavarotti. She had done a lot of community theater and some non-professional light opera performances!  June did indeed play Laurie in Oklahoma, but she did not have the career she had described to me and many others in some detail, except in her imagination, fueled by dementia!   
 
I admit I was a little disappointed at first, finding this out, but then I thought, wow, who wouldn’t want the kind of dementia where you remember your fondest dreams and expectations for yourself as reality?! Given the choice, I think that’s a kind I’d sign up for! There’s integrity in there for sure! 
 
-Marysue Moses, Ebenezer Dimensions Program Coordinator