Additional Resources

Watching your parents age is a difficult process for everyone involved. When someone we used to rely on so heavily now becomes dependent on us, it can feel destabilizing. It’s important to remember that your aging parent is also going through some difficult emotions as well. Specifically, many struggle with losing their sense of independence and autonomy. Whether your parents live in one of our Ebenezer assisted living communities or not, it’s important to find ways to help them feel like they are still in control of their own life. Here are some tips and tricks to help you ensure that your aging parent maintains as much autonomy and independence as possible. 

Include Them in the Decision-Making Process 

As your parents age, there will be many important decisions you will need to make. You will need to decide whether a senior living home is the best option for them. There will also be a number of health-related decisions to make for your parents. When these important decisions arise, remember that your parents should be an active part of the process. Avoid trying to make decisions for your parents but, rather, focus on making decisions together as a family. While seniors do need support, they are not children so they should not be treated like they are. Instead, remember that they are autonomous adults and should have a say in the decisions that will impact their health and lifestyle. 

Incorporate Technology

Many older people are reluctant to learn about new technology. However, while they may think that they don’t want a computer or a smartphone, once they learn how to use it many people come to enjoy the use of new technology. So, sit down with your parents and see if you can teach them the basics of how to use a computer and a smartphone. Start with small tasks. For example, teach them how to search for information on the web using a laptop. You can also teach them how to text, video chat and make calls on a smartphone. With these small tasks, your parents will be able to find new ways to stay connected with family and friends. In addition, they will have the opportunity to learn new things and stimulate their brain. This can help considerably with memory care. 

Exercise 

Mobility is a crucial part of senior care. This is because maintaining mobility is one of the most important ways to help your parents maintain their autonomy and independence. Plus, exercise and stretching can help support your parent’s physical and mental health in a wide variety of ways. So, take a proactive approach to this. There are many fitness classes that are targeted to older people, so research the schedule at your local community center and gym to see if you can find a suitable time, place, and workout style for your parents. This is a great activity to do with others so see if your parents have a friend that would like to go along with them. If not, encourage them to chat with the other people their age in the class to form some new bonds and connections. Whether you are older or younger, for many people, attending a new workout class can be anxiety-provoking and intimidating. If you’re having trouble convincing your parents to attend a group class, you might want to look into private options. There are many trainers and mobility experts who will come to your house to do a session in the comfort of your family room or backyard! This might be a great way to boost your parent’s confidence and help them be more able and willing to take on new challenges and activities. 

Optimize Your Parent’s Living Environment

Whether your parents are at one of our senior living homes or not, it’s a good idea to do a thorough inspection of their space. Take note of any safety hazards and talk to your parents about how they get around and navigate the space. If stairs are an issue, there are electric options to help your parents navigate the different levels of their home. Or, you could consider moving their bedroom to the first floor of the house so that they don’t have to use the stairs at all. If you can make your parent’s space as safe and easy to navigate as possible, they can get around with minimal help. This will allow them to maintain a high level of independence and autonomy. 

Find Mentally Stimulating Activities 

Maintaining independence and autonomy is highly connected to mobility. But, we often forget that maintaining a sharp mind can also help your parents stay independent for longer as they age. As they say, if you don’t use it you lose it. So, make sure that your parents are regularly engaging in mentally stimulating activities. The key here is to find something that they enjoy doing. Perhaps this is writing in a journal or maybe it’s painting. It could also be a group activity like playing cards or a board game. There are also some great activities that combine physical activity with mental stimulation. For example, dancing involves both moving your body and learning and remembering steps. This makes it a great option for older people looking to maintain their independence by promoting mobility and mental acuity! 

As your parents age, they might need the help of an assisted living community or independent home specializing in senior care and memory care at an Ebenezer community. It’s important to recognize that although your parents might need this support, it is also crucial that you help them maintain their independence and autonomy. Seniors are not children and should not be treated like they are. So, help your parents find their voice—they deserve a say in shaping their life!

A Guide to the Challenges (and Rewards) Ahead

As many adult children of seniors that choose to stay in their homes may experience, caregiving for seniors is a tremendous job. We’re here to support you with the resources and help you may need. 

These tips come to you from Cindy Swanson, a personal advisor for clients of Fairview’s Caregiver Assurance program.

1. The situation could be more demanding than you thought. Your aging relative or friend’s need for help has probably been coming on gradually, as they’ve become less capable of managing the demands of daily life–like keeping up the house. It may be hard for them to admit to you they can’t mow the yard anymore or lift the ladder to clean out the gutters. So be prepared, once you’ve committed to start helping a senior, to discover that they may have let things go more than you knew.
2. You may need to set some realistic boundaries. “A common thing that happens is that someone’s in the hospital–maybe it’s mom’s first fall–and she’ll tell the social worker: ‘My daughter can stop by every night after work and bring me meals.’ It’s not uncommon for someone in the hospital to say they have family that can do all this without talking to the family,” Cindy says. “The daughter will say: ‘I live 30 miles away on the other side of the cities. It’ll take me an hour to get there after work. I can’t do that.’ What a parent sees as realistic may not be the same as reality." Especially if you’re juggling a career, your own family, on top of helping a parent stay in their own home, you may find yourself spread a little thin. 
3. Your senior’s new situation may reignite old family tensions. What’s happening with your parents in their later years is emotional enough, but coming to a consensus about what to do can be rough on even the tightest of siblings. Even if you agree to be the main caregiver at the start, you may end up feeling like your siblings aren’t pitching in enough. They may feel like they aren’t getting enough of a say. It’s easy in these situations to revert to old childhood patterns and bring up old hurts. Cindy or one of our other Caregiver Assurance advisors can help you manage a family conference to work through some of those issues.
4. Caregiving can take a toll on your work life. Cindy knows a thing or two about that. Not only has she helped coach people through this, but she has firsthand experience. She helped take care of her parents and her husband’s parents. “What happens is, you spend your whole lunch hour calling people, then you go back to work and you’re waiting for those callbacks. If you’re trying to do a report and making calls for your parent, your 8 to 5 schedule might become 8 to 7. Or you say, ‘I’ll do it at home,’ and you’re sitting there doing that report at 11 at night. How much sleep do you get?” 
5. You’ll need to learn things you never needed to know before. At your age, you may not know how often an older person should get a colonoscopy. Adult day care may be a complete mystery to you. And you certainly haven’t spent a lot of time investigating how to buy a Medicare plan. “You’re going to run into a whole lot of things you’ve never dealt with before,” Cindy says. “Things that even a college-educated person is going to have difficulty with: Looking into financial planning, elder law attorneys, health directives and more are just a few of the things that we can help with. 
6. You’re a giver, so beware of neglecting yourself. People who take on the role of caring for an elderly relative may naturally be the type of person who thinks of everyone else’s needs before their own. But that can last only so long. Keeping your own glass full is something the personal advisors at Caregiver Assurance can help with. “There was a time when it wasn’t accepted that you would put yourself first,” Cindy says. “It’s not about putting yourself first, but doing your caregiving AND knowing how to take care of yourself.”
7. Caring for a senior may be the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. That reward could be as simple as spending more time with your loved one and finally hearing the story behind that one photo in the dining room. It can be the peace of mind knowing that they’re safer when you check on them every day. It can be giving back to somebody who has given so much to you. No matter how frustrating or rewarding it is to help an aging loved one, you don’t have to do it alone. “There isn’t a classroom you can go to and learn all of this,” Cindy says. “Whatever the journey is, there’s help. If you have to make a right turn, there are people who are able to help you along. That’s what we’re trying to do here at Caregiver Assurance.”

If you or a loved one are a caregiver and needing more Caregiver Support or Resources, please visit Fairview.org/Services/Caregiver-Assurance or call 612-672-CARE (2273) to speak with one of our Caregiver Advisors.

If you are a needing resources or information on which Ebenezer communities are accepting immediate need move ins for Assisted Living, Memory Care or Enhanced Care, please contact us.

Forty percent of adults are looking after an aging loved one. It could be any relative or even a neighbor, but it’s usually a parent. 

“I see a lot of stressed out 40- to 60-year-olds who are trying to manage a career, kids and their parents,” said Kim DeRoche, MD. “I hear about it when a woman comes in for her ‘annual’ physical and hasn’t been in for three or four years. They know they’re not taking care of themselves the way they did before they had to take care of someone else.” 

It’s especially challenging with seniors living longer these days and expecting to stay in their own homes longer. Someone has to step up to help with the things they can’t do for themselves.

Do any of these things sound like your life?

• Your shopping list includes somebody else’s groceries, too
• You’ve had to take time off work to drive someone to their appointments
• You’re not eligible for Medicare, but you’ve been Googling to figure it out
• You talk to your parents’ doctors more than you talk to your own
• You’ve covertly checked your parents’ fridge to make sure they’re eating right
• You have a hunch your parents aren’t staying on top of their bills like they used to
• You run as many errands for someone else as you do for yourself
• You need to but just don’t have time to find a dog-walker, hire a snow-shoveler, make sure your parent takes their pills twice a day, etc.
• You don’t even know where to begin understanding your parents’ finances, helping them pick an insurance plan, etc.
• It feels like you drive over to your parents’ house more than you get to be at your own
• Your siblings are starting to fight over what to do about mom and dad
• You worry about your parents more than ever

If you answered yes to any of the questions about your life, help is available at Fairview and Ebenezer. Fairview created Caregiver Assurance, a new service that gives you a personal advisor to help with all these demands. You may also be interested in attending one of our many Caregiver Support Groups that we have across in Minnesota in our senior living communities. 

For more information 
Visit fairview.org/Caregiver-Assurance or call 612-672-CARE (2273) to speak with one of our Caregiver Advisors. 

A guide to the challenges (and rewards) ahead

These tips come to you from Cindy Swanson, a personal advisor for clients of Fairview’s Caregiver Assurance program, which is part of the Ebenezer family. 

1. The situation could be more demanding than you thought.

Your husband or wife’s need for help has probably been coming on gradually, as they’ve become less capable of managing the demands of daily life–like keeping up the house or taking care of basic things like their hygiene. 
It may be hard for them to admit to you they can’t do what they used to. So be prepared, once you’ve committed to caregiving, to discover that they may have let things go more than you knew.

2. You may need to set some realistic boundaries.

Especially if you’re still working, volunteering or have other obligations, you may find yourself spread a little thin. Set a boundary of where you’re not willing to budge and when you yourself will get professional care support for your spouse. 
 “There’s a point where you become resentful of having to do that,” Cindy says. “You need to figure out how much you can do without creating negativity in your life."

3. Your spouse’s new situation may reignite old tensions. 

What’s happening with your husband or wife in their later years is emotional enough, but coming to a consensus about what to do can be rough on the dynamics of the family with your children or other relatives. 

Cindy describes a typical scenario: “We all know how our family operates. There’s nothing really happening, but there may be underlying tensions that naturally exist. Maybe the oldest son sees the younger son as always getting away with things he can’t. What happens under stress or in crisis is those things blossom.”

Even if you agree to be the caregiver at the start, you may end up feeling like you don’t have enough help or that your own health is deteriorating. Know when to ask for support. 

Cindy or one of our other Caregiver Assurance advisors can help you manage a family conference to work through some of those issues.

4. Caregiving can take a toll on your work or social life

Cindy knows a thing or two about that. Not only has she helped coach people through this, but she has firsthand experience. She helped take care of her parents and her husband’s parents. 

“What happens is, you spend your whole lunch hour calling people, then you go back to work and you’re waiting for those callbacks. If you’re trying to get your daily tasks done and make calls for your spouse, your 8 to 5 typical schedule might become 8 to 7. Or you say, ‘I’ll do it later,’ and you’re sitting there doing something you planned on doing at 4 PM late at night. How much sleep do you get?” 

5. You’ll need to learn things you never needed to know before.

You may not even know how often a person should get a colonoscopy or how often they should be checking in with their physician. Adult day care may be a complete mystery to you. And you maybe haven’t spent a lot of time investigating how and when my loved one will need professional care. “You’re going to run into a whole lot of things you’ve never dealt with before,” Cindy says. “Things that even a college-educated person is going to have difficulty with: Looking at your financial situation and how to deal with that. Finding financial planners or attorneys, somebody who understands elder law. That’s why you’d connect with a program like us. I know some things myself, and I know several reputable firms in the Twin Cities.”

6. You’re a giver, so beware of neglecting yourself. 

People who take on the role of caring for a spouse may naturally be the type of person who thinks of everyone else’s needs before their own and bears a lot of guilt. But that can last only so long before your own health becomes the real trouble. 

Cindy paints a picture of caregiving life as two glasses and a pitcher of water: “You keep your spouse’s glass of water full, but where’s the pitcher for you? You  keep pouring into your loved one’s glass, and pretty soon the pitcher’s empty.”

Keeping your own glass full is something the personal advisors at Caregiver Assurance can help with. 

“There was a time when it wasn’t accepted that you would put yourself first,” Cindy says. “It’s not about putting yourself first, but doing your caregiving AND knowing how to take care of yourself.”

7. Caring for a spouse may be the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. 

That reward could be as simple as spending more quality time with your spouse and learning more about what is truly important to them in life. It can be the peace of mind knowing that they’re safer when you’re with them every day. It can be giving back to your spouse, who has given so much to you. 

No matter how frustrating or rewarding it is to be a spousal caregiver, you don’t have to do it alone. 

“There isn’t a classroom you can go to and learn all of this,” Cindy says. “Whatever the journey is, there’s help. If you have to make a right turn, there are people who are able to help you along. That’s what we’re trying to do here at Caregiver Assurance.

Fairview Caregiver Assurance 
For more information visit: 
fairview.org/Caregiver-Assurance or call 612-672-CARE (2273) to speak with one of our Caregiver Advisors.